Things That Change
by Mandelene
Summary: Severus muses about the past when he falls ill and is bedridden in the hospital wing. Will he learn to move on? WARNING: Deathly Hallows SPOILERS!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I don't own Harry Potter, I'm just tweaking with the characters a little :D I make no profit out of this. In addition, I'm only 13, so I'm no professional, but reviews are very much appreciated! :^) **

It was a cold winter morning.

Freezing, actually.

Severus unceremoniously made his way down the "crystal" blanketed path. Snowflakes gathered on his traveling cloak, seeping into the fabric.

Albus suggested that he take a walk down to Hogsmeade and keep an eye on the students.

Of course, he did not wish to do it, but whatever Albus "suggested", usually had to be followed. He claimed that it would calm Severus' nerves and the anger that had seemed to accumulate inside of him the past couple of weeks.

As he began his walk, he was determined to despise every moment of it, but as he reached the midpoint, most of his anger had diminished. He was growing tired, and the snowy trip became rather appealing. It was calm and silent, except for his feet crushing the icy particles beneath him.

As he neared the village, he saw a few third year Hufflepuffs laughing and rolling in the snow, their clothes covered in white flakes.

'Wasting their lives,' Severus mused, fully aware that he was just being an old grouch. His childhood held some unpleasant memories, and he did not plan on going back to them anytime soon.

He snuck a quick, final glance at the children before he continued his way into the village. Perhaps, a butterbeer or a fire whiskey would be ideal at the moment to relax him. If he was lucky, he'd let his guard down, sinking into a few care-free hours.

_No, it really wasn't a good time to be drinking. He'd come on Albus' orders, and he doubted the headmaster would be pleased with his actions._

Instead, he decided it might be better to just stalk in the bookstore for a while. It was warm there, and he needed to pick up a few things.

Then again, he could just roam town terrorizing any mischievous students with his demeanor (which seemed to be the much more "fun" option). However, this was overruled as well, since he was doomed to catch a cold as it was, and the last thing he needed was Pomfrey fussing over him. He wasn't a student anymore, but his former teachers still treated him as such. He was among the youngest of the staff, which he was always reminded of.

He'd somehow managed to survive the trip (much to his displeasure). He did however, take points from Gryffindor on two occasions, and awarded 20 points to Slytherin for ratting out the Gryffindors. Ah, some things never changed.

He hoped he would not forget that he gave the Weasley twins detention. Somehow, they always seemed to trick their way out of scrubbing Hogwarts medals and trophies with Filch. It seemed that this time, Severus had no choice, and would have to sacrifice his own time, to assure the Weasleys would "think twice", before spiking love potion in Filch's tea. He'd been following Trelawney for days.

When confronted by Trelawney, he swore he did not have anymore antidote in stock and would brew some "as soon as possible".

Of course he had had plenty in his inventory. That would teach her to stop predicting his death! Ha! She'd seen the grim at least once a week in his tea leaves, and each time it was more rubbish than the first.

The journey back to the castle nearly drained Severus. He was exhausted beyond belief, which was very strange for him. He supposed he was getting old. Blimey, even Albus didn't get this tired after a walk to Hogsmeade and back.

Regardless, he pushed his way into the entrance hall, shaking off the snowy residue on his cloak. Next, he made his way to Albus' office, since he had requested that he report back to him.

He whispered the password, "Lemon drops", and watched as the gargoyle shifted and turned aside. Without another word he dragged himself up the stairs, hearing the "clank" of the gargoyle returning to its place. When he entered, Albus was at his desk. He immediately noticed Severus.

"Ahh, Severus, have a seat," he ushered, the blue eyes twinkling at the black.

Soundlessly, Severus obeyed and sat across from the desk, almost slouching from fatigue.

Albus scanned his form before speaking, "I trust your walk went well?"

Snape snarled in response, causing Albus to smirk, "You really must get out more. You seem to hideaway in your private chambers and lab during most of the days. Either that, or you're having students serve detention."

Severus did not respond, to tired to come up with a remark.

"Hmm, I sense something is out of order, Severus. Is anything troubling you?" Albus pressed on, peering over his glasses to meet Snape's eyes more fully.

"No, not at all. I can not fathom how you came up with that conclusion."

Albus smiled, "I suppose I'm losing my touch.." A few moments of silence passed before he gave his dismissal, "That is all, Severus, thank you."

Snape gave a curt nod and stood, sweeping out of the room and back into his chambers for the rest of the day.

* * *

Ugh, those rotten, disease-spreading, _parasites_, and their germ infested bodies.

He knew he was sick from the moment he had opened his eyes. Everything felt cold and clammy, yet his skin was radiating heat. He also knew that it was the fault of those bratty _children_ that he was ridden with this _plague._

A coughing fit immediately escaped from the Potion Master's mouth. He wasn't usually very prone to illness, but he caught his fair share of head colds throughout the year. If it wasn't for the ridiculous dunderheads he was forced to teach, his illness count might be a lower. Well, that's what he wanted to believe anyway. There wasn't a chance that he'd admit to his faults for not wearing a warmer cloak.

Wherever he had received this ailment, he still felt miserable. On the other hand, he always felt pretty miserable, but this was a much more different type of misery.

'_Oh, and just wait until Minerva comes to scold me for being late for breakfast,' _he mused, sinking even more deeply under the warm comforter of his bed. He was shivering, yet pearls of sweat were beginning to form at the nape of his neck. He had possibly 10 minutes to get up and assume his usual demeanor, then drag himself into the Great Hall for further scrutiny.

His colleagues certainly worried about him. Whether it was because he was one of the youngest professors or because of his former "career choice", he wasn't sure. It seemed as though they expected him to break down from everything that was going on around him. That was impossible, for he would never, ever, crack. He knew how to clear his mind of every emotion…

That didn't mean it never returned…

Rather hastily, he swung the covers back and stormed out of bed, searching for his teaching robes and cloak. It was drafty this early December morning and he was not about to let his condition worsen because of a few gusts of breezy winds. After getting dressed and casting a basic cleansing charm on himself, he left the warmth of his quarters, and the presence of his all-too-inviting bed, making his way into the Great Hall.

He entered unnoticed by the students, (as usual) since they never did dare to look him in the eyes. Then, he made his way to the head table, taking his routine seat to the right of Dumbledore, with Minerva placed (quite inconveniently) beside him.

Severus' breakfast consisted of tea, and a small piece of toast with jam. He desperately tried to ignore the watchful, eagle eye of Minerva, which was growing more difficult by the grueling seconds.

Suddenly, a new voice rang out from amongst the table of professors, and was sounded in his direction.

"Severus, my boy!" Dumbledore greeted timely, "How are you this fine morning?"

There was something in those eyes, that was beginning to become very irritating. Those blue, twinkling orbs knew all to well of what was being concealed, and Severus couldn't help, but feel like a young Slytherin student again.

"Fine, Headmaster," He replied gruffly, chin downward, and his voice hollow. It would be a challenge maintaining a firm voice during his classes.

Dumbledore smiled again, obviously filled with amusement, "I hope you don't mind, Severus, but I need to have a word with you in my office after breakfast."

**Merlin, he knew. **Severus knew Albus would notice immediately, but he didn't think Albus would be so concerned with the matter. He must have thought the ailment was more serious if he wanted a word about it. Well, he didn't have much of a choice now.

"Of course, Headmaster," he acknowledged, giving a jerk of the head.

Therefore, 30 minutes before his first morning class, Severus proceeded to Dumbledore's office, still managing to terrorize a few first years along the way.

"You wished to see me, Headmaster?" The words rolled bitterly off his tongue. He was in a foul mood already and the last thing on his agenda was to be scolded about his unhealthy habits.

"Severus, I hope you don't mind if I ask again, is there anything troubling you?" Albus asked softly, offering a lemon drop during the process.

Snape politely refused. He had never taken a lemon drop once from Albus, but the man always offered, whether it was to annoy him or some secret depth of hope that he'd finally accept was entirely a mystery to him.

"I must assure you, Albus that I'm-"

"I do not think you are fine, Severus," Albus interjected, already knowing what Snape was going to say. Denial was always his solution.

"You might recall that I am a Potion's Master, and it is all too easy for me to obtain some Pepper-Up," Snape insisted churlishly.

"Then why haven't you taken some yet? If I might add, I don't think Pepper-Up will do this time."

"And since when did you become a qualified healer?" Severus growled.

Albus no longer smiled, but only looked at Snape with deep concern, "I think we both know a visit to Madam Pomfrey is in order, dear boy."

"Don't call me that," Severus snapped.

"I can escort you if you wish," Albus suggested.

"My next class is in-" Severus glanced at his watch, "Twenty minutes. I have to get going. I'll go before lunch if you insist."

"You needn't worry about your lessons. Go to her now, Severus, and I shall know if you take a detour instead," Dumbledore warned.

Snape scoffed and stood, "I plan on attending my classes today, Albus," he added as a final note before walking out and making his way off toward the hospital wing.

He hesitantly walked to the entrance. Madam Pomfrey was sitting at her desk, sorting through various papers when she noticed him standing at the doorway.

"Severus?" she inquired softly, "What can I do for you today?"

"Albus sent me-" he was not able to finish his statement, because within a second, Madam Pomfrey reached up and palmed his forehead.

"I thought you looked ill at breakfast this morning," she sighed, "You should have come as soon as you were feeling ill!" she admonished, then pointed to a chair next to her desk, "Have a seat."

"Really, Poppy, it's just a-"

"Oh, hush," she sighed, then ran a diagnostic spell through him. He sat silently for a few moments, a tingling sensation taking over his body, then Poppy lowered her wand, before giving her verdict, "You've caught yourself quite a bad case of the wizard's flu. Follow me."

He followed her down a hall and over to a long row of beds up against the wall. He realized he was in the faculty ward. Madam Pomfrey walked up to the first bed and motioned him to lay down.

"No, Poppy. I'll go back to my rooms and get a potion. I really mustn't miss my-" Severus began.

"You'll listen to me if you wish to be out of here in a few days," Poppy warned.

Severus huffed and sat down on the cot. It was awfully soft and warm, and he was so tired and cold. His achy muscles relaxed as he sat, but he refused to lie down.

"Severus," Pomfrey scolded, "Do not make this difficult. I know you hate being here, but you're running quite the fever, so it wouldn't be wise to send you back to your own chambers to rest. Just a day or two, I promise," she bargained, and Snape grudgingly agreed.

With one flick of her wand, Severus' clothes were switched with the usual hospital wing pajama attire. He finally laid down and watched as the covers levitated and tucked in around him up to his neck.

_'Merlin, it feels so good to be in bed.' _

Madam Pomfrey handed him two potions, and he quickly drank them, feeling his temperature climb down, causing more sweat to form on his skin.

"I'll inform Albus. Rest well, and I'll check on you in a bit," she finished, patting his leg soothingly before gathering the empty vials, and silently making her way back to her desk.

Maybe he'd rest for just for a few minutes and not a second more!

'_Just… a… little while…' he brooded._

Within that "little while", his head lolled to the side, and Severus Snape was fast asleep.

* * *

_He dreamt of yellow grass fields. He was a young boy again, playing tag with Lily, and as she ran, her red hair swung from side to side. Her laugh rang through his ears, and once they had grown very tired, they fell to the grass, panting and rolling onto their backs. The sun shone in their faces, and they watched as it lowered itself in the sky. _

"_How many more days until we go off to Hogwarts, Sev?" Lily asked, her hands folded over her abdomen as she admired the setting sun in the pale, pink sky. _

_He smiled when she said her nickname for him, "16 days." _

_"I can hardly wait!" she exclaimed joyfully, excitement pulsing through her so strongly, that Severus could almost feel her heart beating against his, as if they were bonded together. _

"_Me too," he replied sheepishly. _

"_Hey, Sev?" _

_"Yeah?" _

"_Do you think one day we'll be big, powerful wizards? We'll change the whole world!" Lily giggled._

_Severus caught glance at the young girl, she was still looking at the sky. "Maybe."_

_"You're my best friend, Sev."_

_"You are too, Lily." _

"_Sev?" _

_This was becoming repetitive. _

"_Yes, Lily?" he sighed. _

"_Can you promise me something?" she grinned, turning to face him again. Her emerald eyes sparkled. _

"_Anything," he said firmly. _

"_Promise we'll be best friends forever, no matter what?" _

_He looked at the now golden-red streaked sky, unaware of all the things he would encounter during his lifetime, then back at Lily, her eyes blinking expectantly at him. _

"_Yes, I promise." _

He woke drenched to the bone in his own sweat. He still felt feverish, but his temperature had come down somewhat. He replayed the memory of Lily in his mind, then blinked as the hospital wing lights struck him. The clock read noon, meaning he'd woken up just in time for lunch.

He had missed his morning classes, and allowed himself to fall asleep.

This was terrible.

Not a moment too soon, Madam Pomfrey came in, a bowl of chicken broth in her hands. When she noted that he was awake she smiled, "Good afternoon, Severus. Eat up, if you want to get well."

It was at this time that he noticed his throat had become more sore, and his eyes were sensitive to even the dimmest of lights.

"You'll feel better tomorrow," Poppy assured, helping him sit up.

He nodded, and croaked, "Thank you."

"Don't think I can't practically see the steam coming out of your ears. Someone is covering your classes, so don't make a big fuss over it."

Severus sighed, taking a spoonful of chicken broth.

On the other hand, **some things did change**, but he knew he'd have to go on.

If only he'd said the words he wanted to say. If only he'd spoken when the moment was right, but he'd keep going for _her_ and for _her _son, he owed her at least that much.

_And he was confident that they'd see each other again someday._

_Somewhere amongst the setting sun._


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I do not own Harry Potter or any of it's characters, though I wish I did xD. I make no profit from this and all characters belong to the genius, J.K Rowling. This is for pure entertainment. **

"_LEAVE HIM ALONE!" _

_Someone was shouting._

_He was falling into the abyss, drowning in the darkness. _

"_NO! WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE TO YOU?" It sounded awfully familiar. Then, he heard his own voice echoing through the murky atmosphere. Everything felt as though it were distant, and he were looking through a glass pane that could not be penetrated. He was dropping at an alarming rate, and utterly trapped._

"_Thought we were friends, best friends?"_

_He tried to shout, tried to free himself, but he could not stop plunging downward. _

"_We are, Sev… We are.." Lily, his precious Lily. He tried to touch the glass, but could not reach, he wanted to see her, feel her, tell her all he had to tell. _

"_Sev… Sev… Severus."_

_"Keep her safe…" _

_His voice made no sound, as if his throat had been stuffed with cotton. _

"_Severus!" _

He woke with his fingers clenching the bed sheets, holding on for dear life. His nails dug into the cot, and he took a deep breath of crisp air, trying to compose himself. He was shivering, and desperately searching for warmth. Everything ached, and his eyes were heavy-lidded, daring to close.

"Severus, you're awake. Relax, please." It was Madam Pomfrey.

"Your fever spiked, which was to be expected. You're at your worst right now, but you'll recover from this point," Poppy comforted, mopping his face with a cold washcloth.

His teeth chattered as he spoke, "Y-You call this a b-bloody flu!"

Poppy gave a meek smile. Oh yes, he'd be just fine if he was complaining again. His silence was what frightened her most.

It was nearly midnight, but she wanted to make sure he wasn't delirious, so decided to keep him talking, "I suppose you had a bad dream? You were rather fitful."

Severus attempted to pry his eyes open more fully, but was unsuccessful, "I do not think it should be any of your concern. I'll be fine, Poppy. Go to bed, and let me be."

She shook her head, "Who's the mediwitch here? I will decide what is best for you at the moment, since you are my patient. There is no need to worry about me. Now, would you like a Dreamless Sleep potion?"

He did not have the stomach to tell her his body was resistant to it. In the past, he'd had an addiction to it, using it each night to control memories from his encounters with a certain "Dark Lord".

He'd have to go with plan B, "Don't be ridiculous. I'm perfectly fine."

He could feel himself lying through his teeth, but it seemed to be enough for Poppy to nod and back down, no longer pushing on with the recommendation.

"Rest then," she ordered, dipping the washcloth in the basin of water at his bedside, then wringing it out thoroughly.

He hoped he wouldn't have another nightmare, which seemed improbable. He hadn't slept "normally" for who knows how long. Each night ran the same routine, but he kept it to himself, and that was the way he liked it. He could take care of himself, and no one would ever have to know.

His eyes slid shut, and he found himself vulnerably wishing for some peace, just for once. Just once without a nightmare, and the constant reminders of the mistakes he had made during his life.

_This time he was walking in a barren forest, the leaves on the trees howling in the wind. Ahead of him lingered a silvery mist, carrying voices that grew stronger and stronger. _

"_Severus, I can give you all which you desire. You can have power. You can control all the ones who have faulted you in the past…."_

_It was the voice of Voldemort, but he was hissing in such a soft tone, that it made him cringe. _

"_Follow me, and you shall have everything you have ever dreamed of…" _

_The mist grew thicker, and the shrubs and flowers on the forest floor began to wilt. _

"_You are young, but you shall be useful. You shall be wanted…"_

_Severus sprinted across the dirt ground, chasing the mist. They were empty promises. He had to save himself. He had to save himself from making the same mistake again, one that he could never undo. _

_When he was a few inches away from the mist, it exploded into a glittery dust, and the leaves off the trees began to rip away, circling the place in front of him. The leaves became blood red, and pleading cries filled the air, including his own. _

"_M-My, Lord… Please, spare her," his distant voice gasped. _

_Then the voices of all the ones he had not been able to save had engulfed him. _

"_Severus, my friend, help me.. Help me…" _

"_Help me… Please…"_

_Screams pulsed through his ears painfully. There was nothing he could do.. He could not save them.. He had failed…Voldemort shouted, "CRUCIO", and a new, piercing shriek cut through the air around him. Then, the person was wailing, "JUST KILL ME!" _

"_Save me…. Save me, Severus.." _

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort casted._

**Then, he woke.**

Morning sunlight had streamed through the windows, and the very first thing Severus noticed was that he could now open his eyes fully. His throat was still sore, but no longer as raw as it had felt before. He could still feel traces of a fever coursing through him, but all things considered, he felt better.

"Good morning, Severus!" Someone greeted enthusiastically.

It definitely wasn't Poppy, and he soon registered the voice as Albus.

"Good morning, Albus," he replied, his voice still hollow and weak.

"Have you made any progress?" Dumbledore smiled mildly, reading the chart Madam Pomfrey had filled out, recording her findings.

Snape had to admit his mood had enlightened when he saw Albus. No matter how manipulating the headmaster could be, he knew that it was usually for the best. "I daresay you'll be returning to your quarters by tomorrow," Dumbledore grinned.

"It's all your fault. I suppose I will just leave you to tend to all the assignments that need grading," Severus smirked, "I am sure there is plenty to keep you busy for the remainder of the week."

Dumbledore smiled, but did not respond. They sat in the stillness for a few moments. Then, Albus' features lost the amused tone they once had, replaced by a calculating furrow.

"Severus, you and I both know that you cannot go on in such a way forever," his voice was low, so low that Snape had to listen very closely to hear what he was saying.

"Sorry, I do not know what you are talking about," he retorted, sitting up swiftly.

Albus gazed into the dark pair of eyes. What should he feel for the man? Sympathy, pity, or nothing at all? He'd made mistakes, many mistakes, of that he was aware, but did he truly deserve such a life of endless worry and misery?

He did not want to make a fuss over him, nor did he want to leave him alone all the time, secluded with his own emotions. Maybe he could find a way to discreetly help him.

"If you do not mind me asking, what are your plans for after you leave this lovely ward?" Albus smiled, a hint of mocking in his expression.

"Grading, teaching, grading, and perhaps more teaching," Snape replied bluntly.

"In that case, I wonder if at some point in the near future, you might help me brew a certain potion that I have found to be rather curious," Albus suggested. Brewing potions always seemed to relax Severus, and if he couldn't get him to leave his chambers, he could at least find a way to give Snape more time for himself to do things he enjoyed.

Severus knew what the headmaster was trying to do, but he was too weary to mind. Instead he gave a lazy, "If you insist".

Albus smiled once more and stood up, "Well, I best be going. Recover quickly, Severus. I am sure your students are deeply missing you."

Snape scoffed, but nodded as a thanks to Dumbledore before the headmaster made his way out of the room. As soon as he was out of sight, Severus made an attempt to get out of bed. Just being here was making him ill. Besides, he was well enough to handle everything by himself from this point.

However, he did not plan on Poppy coming in so soon.

"Where do you think you're going?" she demanded.

"Honestly Pomfrey, I really should get back to my chambers too-"

Poppy shook her head fiercely, "Stubborn man. I assure you that you will not be going anywhere until that fever breaks. It's nearly as stubborn as you. Now, I think some breakfast would do you well. I'll order the house elves to bring something up, and I expect you to actually eat it. When you decide to stop being bull-headed and allow me to take care of you for once, then maybe you'll make it out of here by tonight."

Severus scowled at her, but resulted in making the best of the situation. It was rather nice to lie around all day doing nothing, even if it wasn't productive in the least. He hadn't had a moment like this in a long time, and he promised himself that as soon as he was released, he'd catch up on everything.

Maybe he'd start walking more, leaving the privacy of his chambers. He seemed to forget the beauty of the grounds. He could also start brewing more, which he hadn't done unless he was forced too. When did he stop enjoying all these little things?

Perhaps, Albus was right, he needed an outlet for his stress. He really _couldn't_ go on like this forever.

After all, Lily wouldn't want him to perish like this. She'd had such a kind, loving heart, and he'd been a mess ever since she had passed. He had to hold on a bit longer, and maybe all would somehow fall into place, though he had many doubts.

_"Severus! Oh, Severus, look! Look at those pretty stars above the castle!" the eleven year old exclaimed fervently. _

_Snape smirked at her enthusiastic nature, "Yes, they are very nice, Lily."_

"_Oh, will you make a wish with me? Please, oh please?" _

"_What do we wish for?"_

"_I wish for everyone to get what they always wanted," Lily grinned, "Then they could always be happy, and no one would fight." _

"_But Lily, people are always going to fight."_

_"I don't think so," she said confidently._

_Severus sighed and gave a little smile, "Alright, Lily, we'll wish for whatever you want to." _

_She nodded and closed her eyes, the moonlight shining on her face and over her dark red hair. _

She would have wanted him to be happy as well, but he didn't feel worthy of such a thing. Still, he'd make sure that he'd do all in his power to protect Harry Potter. She would have wanted that the most.

Then they would be happy, and would never fight.

That's what he wanted most as well.

He would never stop loving her, no matter the circumstances, and of that, he was positive.

It was time for him to keep going.

"**You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.  
You**** can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.  
****Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared.  
You ****can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  
You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.  
You**** can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on." ~David Harkins**


End file.
